The Undigested Break Up

Ugh, I stayed in the relationship because I knew how to manage the drama. I am not proud of this, and at the time I was not aware, but it is the truth. Have you ever been in a relationship—romantic, friendship, business, or family—where you stayed engaged despite how much energy and self-esteem were needed to pay the price of relating?

Many of us who are smart, kind, and open-hearted end up our own worst enemies due to our ability to “weather the storm” just because...why? Now that is a good question.

Ayurveda and Yoga give us some insight into the answer. The tendency to move toward an action or karma (in Sanskrit action is translated into the word karma) is created by waves of thought in the mind. These waves are created from the re-experiencing of deeply seated habits called Samskaras. The intellect moves toward these impressions and thus creates actions by the body (self). That action is imprinted in the mind and we reinforce our habitual behavior.

I am skipping a few steps, but the overview is what I want to build upon. For example, if my tendency, or vasana, is to be the caregiver or helper, the one who is stable, then I need the proper partner to support that habitual action; a drama king or someone in need. The more I find ways to support that action, the deeper I create the impression (samskara), and the greater probability that my subconscious mind will support me taking the action (karma) to re-experience that helper role for someone who is unstable.

So, how do we digest that which we don’t really want to know? We have to create time and space. Yep, sit with ourselves, go for walks alone, listen to our breath move in and out of our bodies, find the gate or passageway to go within. The only way out of habit is to create enough space and clear vision, to see the pattern so we can begin to deconstruct it. Then, if we are so inclined, we can rebuild a new, more desirable and functional pattern. In other words, rebuild the action (karma) to develop the tendency (vasana), which will lay down a new habitual action or neruopathway, one that brings our lives into better balance with our true nature. 

How can we start to digest what is hard to swallow? Here are a few “to dos”—simple to understand and yet challenging at times. Make some space and give yourself time. Good luck friends!